The Last Man on Earth
Sundays 9:30 PMThe Last Man on Earth Quotes
Melissa: They're really invested in this picnic theme.
Gail: I don't know that I like living here anymore.
Mike: Phil, I gotta say I'm not totally comfortable with this arrangement.
Phil: Well, this is the arrangement we've got, so if you don't like it, there's the friggin' beads.
Mike: How'd you and Phil meet?
Carol: I saw his billboards and then I caught him sniffing my bra and then I almost shot him and then he wet himself. And we've been together ever since.
Mike: So just a classic "pee at first sight," huh?
Todd, this is not my first sexual rodeo. But still, you accepted me as a pure and unsullied vessel for your seed, and because of you, our child will not be a bastard. No judgment, Erica.
Carol
Carol: Well, there is Mike.
Phil: No, absolutely not. My own brother, Carol?
Carol: Well, re-enter Todd. Pun intended.
The movie is called 'Once'!
Melissa
Friggin' Mike.
Phil
Todd: I can give 100% to every person on the face of the earth and still have 100% to give to you, Gail, and you, Melissa. Now, I know that adds up to be about 600%, but what can I say? Never been good at math. Just about the only thing I am good at is Todd. Anybody has any issues with that, there's the freakin' door. I mean, I'll get it for you. Well, thank you for listening.
Melissa: That was hot.
Todd: Good evening.
Gail: What in the man of G-O-D?
Melissa: Looks like Hitler's mustache is sliding off your face.
Erica: Yeah, you look like a melon with a mold problem.
Gail: It looks like the floor of a barber shop took a dump on half your face.
So there I am, standing between Denzel Washington's legs, and I'm saying "Push, Denzel, push!" And Denzel pops out the most beautiful little Siamese twins, they are perfect. And then he says, "Sally" -- because he's calling me Sally for some reason -- he says, "Sally, you keep my attached babies. I got my movie career." And I have had that dream fifty times, and I do not know what it means.
Carol
He friggin' Smurfed me!
Phil
No! You two are even now. You made him feel awful for missing your grandma's death. This is just a classic tit-for-tat situation. Your head's the tat and your grandma was the tit.
Carol
