Susan Mayer Quotes
Susan is picking out a dress to wear to Jane's funeral.
Susan: It's not about me, this is about Jane and Ian. What if I wore this one?
Julie: Then it'll be about Jane, Ian and your boobs.
Susan: I have got to get more depressing clothes.
Gabrielle: You're pimping me out to a teenager!
Susan: Okay, I deserve the pimping remark but let's not pretend that, you know, we're above teenagers.
Mike: Hey, Susan.
Susan: Hey, you're back.
Mike: Yeah, Zach Young posted my bail. But I'm guessing you had something to do with it.
Susan: Maybe a little.
Mike: Is there any way I can thank you for everything you've done?
Susan: Actually, yeah, there is.
Mike: Good, good, just tell me.
Susan: I can't see you anymore. I want you to understand it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's just-
Mike: (disheveled) That's okay, ahm, I think I get it. (They see Ian's car pulling up) Well, I must probably go.
Gabrielle: No, absolutely not.
Susan: Oh, come on! Mike needs a great lawyer, Zach can afford a great lawyer.
Gabrielle: I don't care. I'm not going out with Zach Young.
Susan: It's one little date.
Gabrielle: You wouldn't even let your own daughter go out with him. You said he was a psycho.
Susan: He's matured, to the tune of a billion dollars. Please do this, for Mike.
Gabrielle: Susan, do you know what your obsession with Mike has cost you? First you piss off Bree and then Ian, and now you're pimping me out to a teenager.
Susan: Okay, I deserve the pimping remark but let's not pretend that, you know, we're above teenagers.
Gabrielle: (going through Julie's room with Susan) First rule of ransacking- remember where everything goes. (snaps pictures with camera phone)
Susan: You're going to make a really good mother someday.
(Julie and Austin are talking about having sex, Susan walks in and they stop)
Susan: Hi!
Austin: Hi.
(Awkward silence)
Susan: Bye!
Austin & Julie: (Smiling) Bye.
Susan: (on the phone about the pills) So I'm just curious, where do you get off prescribing that without my consent? What? No I most certainly was not there What do I look like? I don't have blonde hair.
Looks from the window and sees blonde Edie.
Susan: Wait, did my blonde hair have dark roots?
Susan: (tense) Why were you two talking about condoms?
Julie: Why were you eavesdropping?
Susan: Don't change the subject. Are you two having sex? Because I thought I raised you to be smarter than that. (more tense): Don't you realize that sex is not fun and games? It's dangerous!! Every time you turn around there's a new disease! Do you want it to burn when you pee?
Julie: Mom.
Susan: Sex kills!
Julie: MOM!!!
Susan: WHAT?!!
Julie: I'm not having sex.
Susan: Really?
Julie: Really.
Susan: (Relieved) Oh, thank god.
(They hug)
Susan: If you're not having sex, why were you talking about condoms?
Susan: Don't you walk away from me!
Edie: Do we have to do this now?
Susan: Yes, we do. You may have gotten your first diaphragm with milk money, but that doesn't give you the right to corrupt my daughter!
Edie: Look, it's not like I went after Julie and said, "Hey, do you wanna go out for a burger and some birth control?" She came to me.
Susan: You do not get to decide this for her! What were you thinking?! (She hits Edie with the pills)
Edie: Aah! I was thinking, if Julie got knocked up, that--that you and I could become family, and I'm sorry, I cannot take that chance.
Susan: Oh, you know what? It wasn't 'till your rotten nephew came to town that Julie was a perfect kid, and now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex! She's just a boob job away from being you!
Edie: Look, Mayer, Julie has discovered sex. The genie is out of the bottle. And you better be good with it, or you could lose her forever. Cause like it or not, she loves him. And you know what else? He loves her.
(They enter Edie's house and see Austin topless making out with a girl on the couch.)
Edie: Ahem!
(Austin and the girl look up in shock. The girl is Danielle.)
Susan: I'm out of lipstick. Can I borrow yours?
Julie: Sure. (hands her her lipstick)
Susan: Cherry berry?
Julie: Austin likes the way it tastes.
Susan: Oh, I so did not need to know that.
Mike: I can't believe that I just listened to all that stuff Edie told me about you. It turns out you're the only one standing by me. You're a good friend, Susan.
Susan: Ahm, yeah, about that. It's Ian. He's not crazy about me spending time with my ex.
Mike: Even an ex who doesn't remember dating you?
Susan: I remember, and I guess that's enough for him. I'm sorry.
Mike: Well, I can't say that I blame him.
Susan: (reaching out her hand to him) Take care of yourself Mke.
Mike: You too, Susan.
Susan: Did you seriously think I could sit on information that would exonerate Mike? If you had seen his face in jail the other day.
Ian: The other day? You saw Mike?
Susan: Yeah, just to tell him about the lawyer. (turning to Bree) I know that Mike is innocent.
Bree: Right, just like you knew Alma was dead.
Ian: I thought we had an agreement.
Susan: We do. Can we talk about this later?
Susan: When? After your next conjugal visit?
Bree: (to Susan) Boy, when it comes to Mike there's no one you won't betray.
