Susan Mayer Quotes
Susan: Ian, haven't you ever wondered why I've never cooked for you?
Ian: I just assumed that you were lazy.
Susan: I wish. My cooking is not good.
Ian: Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal.
Susan: Will they be expecting stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats?
(Lynette and Gabrielle are getting ready for a poker game and Bree joins them)
Lynette: Guys, why's it been so long since we played poker? I really need this.
Bree: Oh, me too there is nothing more relaxing than an afternoon of finger food and girl talk.
(Susan walks in and joins them)
Susan: Hi ladies.
Lynette: Hey, how you doing?
Susan(to Bree): So did you tell the police that you think Orson killed Monique?
Gabrielle(in shock): What?
Bree(stunned): No I did not, and I don't plan to.
Susan: But Mike's in jail, and you said yourself you thought Orson did it.
Bree: I said I had concerns, concerns that have disappeared now that Mike has been arrested.
Susan: What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?
Lynette: Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?
Gabrielle: I'll get the ball rolling, anybody have a yeast infection?
Bree(to Susan): They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of, I mean that hardly screams "INNOCENCE".
Susan: Her teeth were pulled, you don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with a dentist?
Gabrielle(to Lynette): Orson was slipping it to the deck chick? (Lynette makes a weird expression)
Susan: Mike is innocent I know that in my heart.
Bree: We all have convictions Susan, I believe Mike's last one was for manslaughter. (Smirks)
Lynette: Ok, ok we've all made some excellent points in blowing off little steam, wooh, let's play some cards. (Smiles)
(Weird pause)
Susan(to Bree): If you're so sure that Orson is innocent why don't we go through his things? Where is his desk?
Bree: At his office, and what did you think you'd find there anyway?
Susan: I don't know a blackmail letter, a necklace made of teeth.
Lynette(to Gabrielle after both gave up): We're not gonna play cards are we?
Gabrielle(eating): no.
Susan: Well I'm certainly not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband.
Bree: Well needless to say I won't be cooking dinner for Ian's parents.
Susan: Fine, I'll cook myself.
Bree: Good, let me know if there are any survivors. (Smirks)
Susan: And if you take Orson back, you do the same. (Smirks back and leaves)
(Mike is pacing in his cell when Susan comes up to him.)
Mike: They told me somebody was coming, but I did not expect it to be you.
Susan: Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?
Mike: I doubt it. She dumped me today.
Susan: What? Why?
Mike: Well, I was arrested for murder.
Susan: Still, it's tacky. Well, okay then, uh...I'll help you get out. Uh, what's your bail?
Mike: A million dollars.
Susan: Oh.
Mike: You don't have to help me, Susan.
Susan: I want to.
Mike: Aren't you gonna ask?
Susan: What?
Mike: If I killed that woman?
Susan: I don't have to. I know you didn't.
Mike: I wish I was that sure. I, I have these flashes, where I see her face, so I must've known her. And if I did, maybe something happened. Maybe I got angry, maybe...
Susan: There is an explanation for this, and we're gonna figure it out. Don't worry about a thing.
(She strokes his hand through the bars of his cell.)
Bree: What in the world?
(Bree and Susan see Mike being arrested.)
Susan: Oh, my God! What's going on?
Mrs. McCluskey: They just arrested Mike for murder.
Susan: What?!
Mrs. McCluskey: They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person.
Bree: Oh thank God!
Susan: Don't worry. Dinner's all taken care of. We're having blanquette de veau and a grand marnier souffl.
Ian: Well, that's very ambitious of you, and, uh, when will Bree be done making it?
Susan: Five-thirty. But I am rewarming it all by myself.
Susan: Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?
Mike: I doubt it. She dumped me today.
Susan: What? Why?
Mike: Well, I was arrested for murder.
Susan: Still. It's tacky.
Ian: The more I let you into my heart, the more I feel I'm pushing Jane out and...
Susan: You don't have to push Jane out to let me in.
Ian: Of course, you're right.
Susan: Hey, here's an idea. You keep some things in a drawer at my house. Would it be okay if I had one here?
Ian: A drawer? Do you think we'll be here that often?
Susan: Your shower has six power nozzles. With or without you, I'll be back.
(After, unbeknownst to Susan, Rupert sees her naked.)
Susan: Wow! Your timing's perfect.
Rupert: Not always.
Ian: Susan will be needing a drawer.
Rupert: A drawer, sir?
Ian: Yes, for her things. She's gonna be spending more time here.
Susan: Yeah, Rupe, I hope we can be good friends, cause you're gonna be seeing lots more of me.
Rupert: Oh, madam, that hardly seems possible.
Susan: (covering herself up while lying in Ian's bed) Who are you?
Rupert: I'm Rupert, I work for Mr Hainsworth. That would be the man you slept with, in case names weren't exchanged.
Susan: (talking about Julie and Austin) Are you crazy? If we don't do something those two could end up having sex.
Edie: Could?
Susan: Oh my God! You don't...
Edie: I've got a box of condoms in my dresser. Eleven are gone. I can only account for eight of them.
Karl: (About Ian) Fine, that's it, all right? I forbid you to see this guy!
Susan: What?! No! I don't take orders from you!
Julie: Mum has a point, dad. You can't tell her who she can or can't date. It's her choice.
Susan: Exactly, thank you! Wait, no, that does not apply to you!
Karl: You know if you don't care about my feelings, I don't know what I'm doing here!
Susan: Your feelings?! My God! You are the worst bad cop ever!
Susan: (to Julie) Go to your room! (Austin follows) Not you!
