Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan: Hey, are you alright?
Charlie: No, I'm not.
Alan: What's going on?
Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One—if at all possible, ladies first; Two—it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important—the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, do you think I've been a good role model?
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
Alan: (on condoms not being 100% effective) Haven't you read the package?
Charlie: Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.
Evelyn: I just have one question, did you really vomit on the baby?
Charlie: Yeah.
Evelyn: Don't beat yourself too much, we've all done that
Charlie: You're kidding?
Evelyn: Of course most of us do it on our own babies.
Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.
[Charlie comes to lay down in Alan's bed]
Alan: You are wearing pajama bottoms, right?
Charlie: Shh...
Alan: Exactly how drunk are you?
[Charlie moves over to spoon with Alan]
Charlie: Both questions asked and answered.
Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.
Charlie: I'd never cone on to another guy's fiancee.
Alan: First of all, we don't know he was coming on to Chelsea and secondly I've seen you hit on a bride as she walked down the aisle.
Charlie: It was a joke. I asked her what she was doing later, everyone laughed.
Jake: We wouldn't have these problems if you put a TV in my room.
Charlie: We wouldn't have these problems if we put a python in your room.
Jake: Touche, douche.
Alan: Well done. You sublimated your anger and came from a place of love. You took the high road.
Charlie: Really, is that what you call it? Cause I call it a complete and total betrayal of my testicles.
Alan: If you've done it as much as I have, you'd call it the high road.
Charlie: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Being the last man on Earth.
Alan: That guy is everything you're not.
Charlie: What's that mean?
Alan: He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't tumble through life stinking of whsikey and KY jelly.
Charlie: Hey, KY jelly is odorless.
Alan: Not where you put it.
