Charlie Harper Quotes
Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.
Evelyn: I don't know how 'worn down to a knob' can be fine, but alright.
Charlie: I'm gonna leave this world the way I came in.
Alan: By Caesarean section?
Charlie: Alone.
Alan: This rat has quit the race.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: This hamster is off the treadmill.
Charlie: Glad to hear it.
Alan: This squirrel is satisfied with the nuts he has.
Charlie: No comment.
She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It'd be like going to the bathroom on Pinocchio's mouth.
Alan: Oh, you poor guy, you have to drive 45 minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And 45 minutes to get back!
You know what's a good book? Under the Dining Room Table, by Richard Gobbler.
Charlie: I'm an artist; I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush; you paint with vomit.
Berta: It's none of my business, but that's one kid who can't afford to miss a day of school.
Charlie: Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference.
(staple gun is heard)
Jake: Oh, crap, I stapled my fingers together!
Berta: You got a point.
Herb: Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Charlie: Yeah?
Herb: The hotel I'm staying at has Pay-Per-View adult movies.
Charlie: Uh-huh.
Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?
Miss Pasternak: You miserable son of a bitch: I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body. And you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage.
Charlie: Yeah, my bad.
(Charlie and Delores are praying)
Charlie: Weird, us both being on our knees at the same time.
Delores: Shh.
Charlie: Just saying.
Charlie: (about the jock strap) Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake: I'll make it fit, let's just go.
Charlie: No, no, put it on over your pants, we'll take a look.
Jake: (embarrassed) The heck you will!
Alan: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie: Of course I am. That's why I came!
