Archer Quotes from "Archer Vice: House Call"
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Click through the best Archer quotes from this Season 5 episode now. These lines crack us up!
1. I was concerned about you - blow me!
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
I was concerned about you - blow me!
2. Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now. And if somebody don't fry me 6 goddamn eggs and some...
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Lana: Cheryl?
Cheryl: Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now. And if somebody don't fry me 6 goddamn eggs and some Carolina fries I would personally be shocked, SHOCKED I tell ya, if by morning this place ain't burned to the ground.
3. I'll be watching you like a hawk. That's been bred with an eagle...to produce some kind of...
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
I'll be watching you like a hawk. That's been bred with an eagle...to produce some kind of eagle-eyed superhawk...with a badge.
Hawley
4. I bought a T-Shirt once that said "Female Body Inspector.
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Hawley: What do you people think the letters FBI stands for?
Archer: I bought a T-Shirt once that said "Female Body Inspector.
5. You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass and held on, would ya!
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass and held on, would ya!
Ron
6. So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a chance. I'd also waste 5 precious...
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a chance. I'd also waste 5 precious minutes of my head start in the race to freedom, giving that swell guy Archer a combination thank-you-goodbye blow job.
7. ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.
8. I am totally digging this whole Queen Kong vibe.
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
I am totally digging this whole Queen Kong vibe.
Cheryl
9. Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the internet, a...
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?
Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing and a sock!
10. God knows he's a little GILF.
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Cyril: You could pose him with Woodhouse
Krieger: God knows he's a little GILF.
11. He's not a vampire, idiot. Plus it's daytim
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Cyril: He can't come in without a warrant - well, unless you invite him in.
Archer: He's not a vampire, idiot. Plus it's daytim
12. The last thing you need right now is a big, shit-eating "I told you so."
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
The last thing you need right now is a big, shit-eating "I told you so."
13. This is only somewhat like that old gypsy woman said!!
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
This is only somewhat like that old gypsy woman said!!
Cheryl
14. From an overdose of cocaine cake?!
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Malory: Well, she won't go to rehab and you won't let her die with dignity...
Lana: From an overdose of cocaine cake?!
15. Oh my God, and little kids eat it!?
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Malory: It's good because it's cocaine!
Archer: Oh my God, and little kids eat it!?
16. Ron, next time get shot in the head.
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Ron: Next time remind me to get shot in the head!
Archer: Ron, next time get shot in the head.
17. Really - cause you never think of those two as having their shit together.
![An archer intervention](https://tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--rBGXgxg0--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,d_tv-fanatic-placeholder-square.png,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1391382716/an-archer-intervention.jpg)
Malory: Who uses Metric?
Lana: Every single country on the planet except for us, Liberia and Burma!
Archer: Really - cause you never think of those two as having their shit together.