Charlie Harper Quotes
Diamonds get you skull in the backseat of a limo. Pottery Barny won't get you dry humped in the back of a city bus.
Berta: I also found a half written suicide note in your brother's handwriting. Should I be nervous?
Charlie: You mean that he won't get through with it?
Alan: You're a very lucky guy, Charlie.
Charlie: I ran through a plate glass window and you puked in my piano. How is that lucky?
Alan: You could have bleed to death. I could vomited on my shoes.
Charlie: Those are my shoes.
Alan: Which is why you're lucky.
Alan: I just wanted to say, "I'm always here for you."
Charlie: Never doubted that.
Alan: Thank you.
Charlie: Wasn't a compliment.
Charlie: The good news is that we're both really clean.
Courtney: Inside and out. Shall we go upstairs and get dirty again?
Charlie: I'm right behind you.
Courtney: What else is new?
Charlie: It could have been worse but I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.
Alan: Red or black?
Charlie: Double zero.
Alan: What color is that?
Charlie: Ass cheeks.
Alan: Is that a votive candle?
Charlie: Yep. She's praying that I have pleasant bowel movements.
Alan: Oh, please.
Charlie: No, no. It's working. This morning, soft, firm easy peasy.
I just lost the best housekeeper since Wilma Flintstone.
Charlie: Te amo.
Alan: I thought you don't speak Spanish?
Charlie: I do know how to say, "I love you" and "How much for a happy ending?" in seventeen languages.
Charlie: Where did you learn to speak Spanish?
Alan: Junior high, high school, college, two years of chiropractic school in Mexico.
Alan: She broke up with her ex-husband. She said she didn't want to go backwards.
Charlie: In what universe is dating you not going backwards?
Alan: I know. This guy must be all kinds of messed up.
Charlie: Did you tell her to roll me over on my stomach in case I vomit?
Berta: It was number one on my list.
